astrology can look ahead

it can look back

it can give a new view, now

a refreshed narrative now

can wash over all the past Emmas 

I can write a new, kinder, gentler script

rooted in love and what is available NOW

there’s a difference between delineating a chart 

(up in the head)

and LIVING IT

(down in the body, in daily practice)

for example: my 3rd house Sag Saturn opposed by my 9th house, out of bounds, Gemini Moon

does it come easy or does it feel good to me to have a regular routine? 

ohhh nooo it does not.

and was I conditioned to have a pretty dogmatic and strict view on the “right” way to have a regular routine?

ohhh yes I was.

I could keep telling myself

“you’re so inconsistent”

“you just can’t ever make a routine stick” 

“you’re such a mess. get your shit together"

... this, and many more, much unkinder things

or, I can know that Saturn is asking me to build, through concerted effort, over time

a daily routine (3rd house)

that is meaningful to me (Sag)

that gives my Moon plenty of room to roam (9th house), space to play, be curious, and switch it up (Gemini)

I can know, now, that when I was younger, I likely had limitations to feeling nurtured and safe. that I needed to have a certain type of intellectual freedom that just wasn’t available to me. 

I can hold those parts of me, validate those parts, grieve. grieve what I didn’t receive, what I didn’t get to experience. and then tell them - 

what about now? look at what is possible now! allll this access to lots and lots of new ideas. look at how I can give you, now, what you always needed and wanted to feel safe and nourished.

look at this beautiful shelf of books and all these brilliant teachers, and ohhh let’s go to the library! and oooh what about this and ahhh what about that! 

and hey, maybe you don’t have to read the WHOLE BOOK

…this feeling caused me to stop reading books for fun, pretty much altogether, for so many years

even though reading has always been one of my most favorite pastimes.

this past year, I decided to “let myself” just get as many books as I want (from the library, or maybe the used book store, with some discernment) 

and tell myself it’s ok if I don’t even read them at all, let alone finish them

I can dip my toe in and just feel it out

and sometimes that little toe dip is JUST the nectar I need for my buzzy bee brain to flit onto the next yummy thing.

and now, I actually have finished - devoured - savoring the experience of wanting to finish every last drop - many books!

there is so so much more to this story, and so much more to my Moon-Saturn opposition, that I am going to live into for the rest of my life as a student of astrology, and moreover, on my path of self-reclamation and self-intimacy.

this field note brought in part by: Venus transiting my 5th house in an exact trine to my natal Moon; Saturn in Pisces in their 3rd square to my natal Moon and my natal Saturn 🙏