on field notes

field notes come from the pages of my journals

I have a robust journaling practice that I love and that supports me daily.

I didn’t always have this.

my overly perfectionist self

- I wanted to write. I wanted to journal -

but I thought I would mess it up.

I would have a beautiful journal and I just couldn’t bring myself to start writing. I couldn’t mark that first blank page.

this went on for years. most of my life.

I think I had a diary as a kid, quite young.

(I can remember my parents reading it and laughing… laughing at my tender, private emotions)

finally, my partner intervened,

thank goodness - I am so grateful to him for this.

he had a notebook that was only partly filled in. he ripped out the first pages that had writing in them and gave it to me.

the first pages were torn out - it was already “messed up” - so I felt safer getting started.

my messy fast scribbles and incomplete sentences

all of it poured out of me and onto the page

oh what a relief

the ideas flowing

and they’ve been pushing me to share them - not just in my journal

I’m still confronting similar blocks.

who wants to read this?

why does it matter what I am thinking, feeling?

somebody else has already said that - way better than me. there are theses and whole books on this, etc. etc.

BLAGH. ENOUGH!

I’m writing what I want to write because I LIKE IT

I like it. it feels good.

it doesn’t need to be perfectly formatted according to specific rules or follow a specific format of academic discourse.

I don’t need to have read all the leading thinkers on the topic.

It doesn’t need to be original or new.

it’s ok if someone else has said this before (that’s actually … pretty cool)

all this - all this that’s blocking me

that tells me my expression must be like this

or it’s not worthwhile - might as well not even try then

this stifling of my creative life force energy

ENOUGH

I’m gonna talk about what I want to because I’m interested in it.

Because it’s what is alive in me.

Because it’s what WANTS to be said through me.

I don’t need a long bibliography or APA formatting or a thesis or conclusion.

field notes aren’t intended to be “essays” (but can be… if that’s what comes out and feels good)

they’re random + silly + sweet + naive + rambly + creative + clever

+ a confrontation

of the prevailing systems squelching and squeezing the joyful free exuberant creative life force energy into standardized conforming compliant boxes.

they’re playing with the idea that silly + serious are not mutually exclusive.

I still don’t write in the first page of a new journal.

(my idea is that I’ll make an index there when I go back and read through. I haven’t done that. maybe I will one day. maybe not.)